first funeral organised

....was a 白头送黑头 (lit. white haired sending off e black haired) affair.

one afternoon approx 5 years ago in e SPS room, answered a page & received cryptic instructions from relative A to 代表 (represent) A's family & get my butt down to e 'TTSH NNI ICU ASAP' (four acronyms in a row!).

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earlier on, relative B had called relative A inform her that relative C had been sent to hospital after 'something happened'.

no one had any idea if C was still alive, but C's fate seemed to be of least importance....what fish!?!!

everyone's main concern: who was going to take care of C's wheelchair-bound 80+ year old mother? (no prizes for guessing that there were no takers). C was a typical filial daughter devote entire life & remain single to care for aged parent case. both lived alone in a spartan 2-room flat - their only asset. C hardly went out except to work as a clerk (I think) for something like $500-800 a month, until she lost her job. but they still managed to get by with unstinting financial help from A & her husband.

everyone seemed to be afraid that being e first to show up at TTSH would be conveniently interpreted by everyone else as volunteering to settle C's affairs i.e. take care of C's mother.

A felt that I was e 'safest' representative as I was a 'neutral party' & no one would dream of asking me (still considered a kid) to 养 C's mother. & when e 'coast was clear' (i.e. other relatives were already there) I was to contact A & her husband, & then they would appear, but not as e first to arrive.

wah lau eh....*pick up eyeballs before they roll away out of my reach*

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e waiting area outside e NNI ICU isn't e most cheerful of places - if am not wrong most of e people who end up in that unit never make it out alive, & some are already brain dead when they first enter. scanned e place but no familiar faces. didn't help that I see those relatives at most once in a few Chinese New Years - e most direct link between them & me had passed away when my parents were still in secondary school & I was about minus 18-19 years old.

asked at e nurses' station if they could tell me where C was. by e way, that was e first time I got to know C's name. had to write it down as A spelt it out over e phone so that my memory wouldn't screw things up. before that, C was only known as e adopted daughter of one of e estranged wives (later found out that it was wife #2) of a granduncle. till this day, have no idea if this particular granduncle is my grandfather's brother or cousin, due to e practice of addressing all cousins from e same generation as siblings.

a nurse showed me to a glass-walled cubicle just across from e nurses' station & as we entered, she said, 'by e way you know she's already brain dead right?'....well excuse me, but in fact I don't! maybe I look like I'm used to watching people slip away day in day out, or e nurse somehow knew that I first learnt to handle such stuff in primary five, I don't know. but if this is her style of 'breaking e news', e poor lady's gonna kena plenty of wrath from patients' relatives! anyway C looked so serene lying there as if she were just asleep, if not for e fact that she was intubated.

found some other relatives keeping C's mother company in e waiting area. did as I was supposed to & contacted A. couldn't be a better time for my reinforcement (also ordered there by A) to arrive, in e form of D who was majoring in social work. once all were gathered, it was decided that almost everything would be left to e most neutral parties (i.e. D & me) to handle. A said, 'go & learn now, then next time you know how to do for us'....

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checklist:
- explain brain death in mix of English, Chinese & Teochew to e relatives
- who then helped us with e cheem-er Teochew part of explaining brain death to C's mother
- watch & listen as best as we could to ensure no undue pressure/distortion of facts/efforts to influence e old lady's decision
- meet & confirm facts with organ donation coordinator who was waiting to talk to us
- explain organ donation in e same mix of languages to e relatives
- convey to e coordinator C's mother's decision not to have anything donated
- get relatives to bring C's mother back to C's side & help her up from her wheelchair for one last look at her daughter
- ensure no rush & that C's mother had had her time for a proper farewell
- help medical staff get consent for removal of artificial life support
- wait for doctors on duty to certify death
- while doing so meet with Singapore Casket representative to settle funeral arrangements
- decide on funeral package
- rush downstairs to A&E police post to make a police report of e 'loss' of C's NRIC
- which was needed in order to obtain C's death cert ASAP, as her NRIC was nowhere to be found
- so that Singapore Casket would be able to collect C from e morgue later that evening
- so that their embalmers could get C's body ready in time for her funeral e next day (Christmas Eve if I recall correctly)
- so that e whole affair wouldn't drag over e Christmas public holiday *SUPER DUH* (but by now, D & I were already desensitised to insensitivity)
- collect & summarise details (government vs. private, quality of care, length of waiting list etc) on various nursing home options for C's mother

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felt that C's mother already knew in her heart that C was long gone, & that e grieving process had already started even before e moment I met her that day.

D & I were a little disappointed with e decision against organ donation - we are e type that believe in 'recycling' & donating anything that can be donated, or even sky burial (return yourself as input into e ecosystem), since everything is gonna be burnt (air pollution) anyway.

but we also believe in respecting e immediate family's decision. e old lady said that C already had so little in life (C was unwanted because she was born a girl, adopted by childless wife #2 as 'insurance for old age' when wife #3 came along, abandoned by her adoptive father, never married nor had her own kids - an incomplete life in e eyes of e older generation, lost her job, & now died a sudden death), she didn't want anything else taken away from her. at that point in time & space (a very important phrase!), D & I could not forsee any likelihood of a change of mind even if e family was given any more time to deliberate. anyway organ donation is something that ought to be thought about & decided upon when one is still living & healthy, long before anything happens.

e curtains in e cubicle were drawn & e life support was turned off after e relatives & C's mother had left e e ICU for e last time. A, her husband, D & I remained at e nurses' station just outside e cubicle as we felt that it would be really sad for C to leave e world all alone (for some reason we weren't allowed to stay by her side). seemed like no one else except us paid any attention when e alarm went off, though once e cardiac monitor flat-lined, a nurse went in to put an end to e beeping, much like how one would turn off a ringing alarm clock so that it wouldn't bother others.

C's mother wanted e simplest funeral for C as it was a 白头送黑头 affair, 'violating e laws of Nature' that e old should make way for e young & not e other way round. e cheapest package in e Singapore Casket catalog was $800 + 4% GST (prevailing rate) = $832. A was somewhat horrified to hear e undertaker describe e coffin in that package as a 'simple wooden one' - in her mind she was picturing something sturdier but no more aesthetic than a cardboard box.

A & her husband offered to foot e entire bill for e funeral regardless of e cost, but C's mother still insisted on e cheapest arrangement. had this feeling that this would be one of e last decisions C's mother would be allowed to make, & that she herself was already aware that she was going to be at e mercy of others from now on. e relatives decided to add $50-80 (can't recall) for a large bouquet of flowers to place on e coffin so that it wouldn't look so bare - probably e only flowers C would ever receive in her life, & then only at e end of it. e undertaker would collect C from e morgue later in e day, embalm her, deliver her straight to Mount Vernon at e time slot they had booked for her cremation, provide pallbearers + hearse, & collect her ashes & scatter them in e sea since no one was going to claim them.

but wait. e undertaker needed e death cert, but to get a death cert to be issued C's NRIC had to be produced, & earlier in e day relatives & paramedics had searched in vain for it in e flat. e police told us that given our circumstances (e only person who knows where it is kept has died) we could report e loss of C's NRIC, & so a police report was made (learnt to do this in secondary one). with all e 'paperwork' out of e way, C's mother was brought back to her flat to pick out clothes & shoes for C to be dressed in & belongings to be placed in her coffin.

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e smallest funeral I've ever seen took place e next day, with approx 15 people in attendance excluding e pallbearers & undertaker. A's fears proved unfounded as e 'simple wooden' coffin turned out to be one of dark brown varnished wood with silver coloured metal handles. e mortician(s) had done a really wonderful job, which made everyone feel a little better. it was e first time I'd ever seen C dressed in bright colours & made up.

it was also e simplest funeral I've ever seen, no wake, 白金, rites, prayers, chanting, eulogy, offerings, incense, large furry blankets, black/navy blue velvet banners, illegal mahjong tables, nothing. just transferring e coffin from e hearse into e hall, & e few of us filing by for a last look & helping C's mother up so that she could see C's face one final time, & then e coffin was shut & shoved into e furnace. & that was it.

only thing D & I overlooked were e ang pows for e undertaker, hearse driver & pallbearers. but B & some older relatives had it all prepared, knowing that D & I were still at e age where you only need to think about receiving them.

Christmas e following day was kinda weird, spent discussing & evaluating nursing home options for C's mother while e rest of e world was out celebrating & partying. hope D & I don't have to do this again.

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sometime later when visiting C's mother one CNY, she told D & me to study hard, because we are girls(!! complete opposite from e 'why waste $ on university?' stuff we've been hearing from others), so that we would not end up like her. said that she is living proof that marriage & having kids are not failsafe options, & girls must be educated so that they can work & earn their own keep & feed e kids & have their own savings:

- when husbands dump them for other women
- when husbands kena retrenched/long term illness/paralysed/death in an accident
- when ex-husbands default on alimony payments
- when kids die unexpectedly/abandon them/can't earn enough to survive
- etc

all e real life stuff that too few people think about seriously enough, or brush aside as 'won't happen to me one lah'.

come think of it, know least two examples of each....

[ filed under: thewonderingstraycat ]